It's been just about one year since I began this blog and I have to say that I've done a fairly poor job of keeping it up. It seems that I turn to writing when things in my life are a jumbled mess, as if putting my thoughts down would make them less sticky and more solvable.
These past six months have been the most harrowing of my life. I have gone from an extremely confident, relatively happy girl with a faith that she believed in wholeheartedly, with a job and friends and a life to live, to a shattered, broken, fragmented girl lacking in faith, discipline, and responsibility of any shape or form. I feel somewhat helpless in terms of my faith. I know that I have struggled through my life, stumbling and tripping up here and there; doing things that push the lines of what I believe in, trying to shape and mold myself and my beliefs around something that I was still constantly trying to figure out. But never before have I so vastly deviated from the path that I thought I would always be set upon.
It wasn't until recently that I came to the realization that I am no longer living as a woman who has Christ in her, but as a woman who has done all that she can to push Him out of her life and her heart. It hurts me in so many ways to know that I have hurt Him, that I've stepped so far out of bounds, that I've gone against everything that I said that I stood for. It's a hard process, but I am determined to rebound from this. I have set my mind to knowing Him again, to knowing Him better than before, and to making Him proud.
Instead of putting other things, and everything, first, I am going to put Him first before all else in my life. I know how difficult this will be at first, I know that it will be a struggle; it's a habit to build, a lifestyle to embrace, a change to make. But I am confident. I can do it. I know that He is here to guide me and all that I have to do is sink into the river and let the current flow where it chooses.
I am starting my life all over again. Beginning Now.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Summer nights
I've been told that I am in desperate need of an update to this thing, and I would have to agree. I have a bad tendency to start things, like this blog, and be super excited about it and then forget that it exists until I receive an email telling me that I have new comments to approve. So, for the benefit of the possibly two people who have ever read this, I am back.
Last night I tried a new style of food photography, more journalistic, black and white and grain filled and I think that I'm pretty satisfied with how they turned out. I have yet to totally settle on a style, but I think that's okay for now.
Anyway, that's all for now, as I sit here and very productively watch old episodes of Hell's Kitchen.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Skipping Cinco De Mayo
My impatience has really gotten the better of me this time. I had it all planned out to get dressed up and go out for mexican food for Cinco De Mayo - tomorrow. But the longer i thought about it, the more I wanted mexican food. Yesterday. So here i am on May 4th, getting dressed up and going out for mexican food. My impatience is overwhelming and my selfcontrol is lacking greatly. But at least i can say that my stomach will be satisfied. I can't stop thinking about fried icecream and chips with salsa. Not together, of course.
School closes in two weeks. And I don't mean that it closes it's doors for the summer, I mean that school. closes. No more ministry classes, no more walking to chapel in the snow, no more standing in the bathroom for ten minutes before class starts because that's where the hot air is blasting, no more Dr. Barcalow in funny bowties or jokes about "Harris Classes", this is it, this is the end, the finale is here. And as we flip the pages of the book, drawing closer to the end of the chapter, I do what I have always done. I read slower. I feel like i'm dragging my heels in the sand, being pulled kicking and screaming through these last few weeks. My head hurts from the work that we're being bogged down with, and while i would really love for the endless list of presentations to cease, i would much more like for school to continue.
My heart is breaking for Taylor University Fort Wayne. I know all the cheesy answers to how we're dealing with this; God brought us here for a reason, it's a diaspora, we're going out into the world to impact other people, God has a plan for us. And yet, despite all that reassurance, I still feel like this is wrong. I still feel burdened by the abruptness, and I worry that no one will know I'm a Christian if I don't have a Youth Ministry label on the front of my shirt.
Is it legitimate to wonder if people will still know that I'm a Christian? Did I base this knowledge off of my major? I AM a Christian, in spite of or because of or irrelevantly connected to, my youth ministry major, but I AM a Christian in every context beyond school. But my fear is that it's an easy out. Does this mean that I have to start living my life sold out for God? (not to mention that i most definitely should have been doing that from the beginning) but does this mean that I really have to Change now? Before, I could tell people where I go to school and what i'm majoring in and where i work, and all of a sudden without having to show them how I live my life, they know who I am, what I believe in, and where i'm coming from. Now, i don't have that little cheat sheet to hand out to people. Now, they'll have to know because of how i live.
And THAT, my friends, is a little scary.
School closes in two weeks. And I don't mean that it closes it's doors for the summer, I mean that school. closes. No more ministry classes, no more walking to chapel in the snow, no more standing in the bathroom for ten minutes before class starts because that's where the hot air is blasting, no more Dr. Barcalow in funny bowties or jokes about "Harris Classes", this is it, this is the end, the finale is here. And as we flip the pages of the book, drawing closer to the end of the chapter, I do what I have always done. I read slower. I feel like i'm dragging my heels in the sand, being pulled kicking and screaming through these last few weeks. My head hurts from the work that we're being bogged down with, and while i would really love for the endless list of presentations to cease, i would much more like for school to continue.
My heart is breaking for Taylor University Fort Wayne. I know all the cheesy answers to how we're dealing with this; God brought us here for a reason, it's a diaspora, we're going out into the world to impact other people, God has a plan for us. And yet, despite all that reassurance, I still feel like this is wrong. I still feel burdened by the abruptness, and I worry that no one will know I'm a Christian if I don't have a Youth Ministry label on the front of my shirt.
Is it legitimate to wonder if people will still know that I'm a Christian? Did I base this knowledge off of my major? I AM a Christian, in spite of or because of or irrelevantly connected to, my youth ministry major, but I AM a Christian in every context beyond school. But my fear is that it's an easy out. Does this mean that I have to start living my life sold out for God? (not to mention that i most definitely should have been doing that from the beginning) but does this mean that I really have to Change now? Before, I could tell people where I go to school and what i'm majoring in and where i work, and all of a sudden without having to show them how I live my life, they know who I am, what I believe in, and where i'm coming from. Now, i don't have that little cheat sheet to hand out to people. Now, they'll have to know because of how i live.
And THAT, my friends, is a little scary.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Peanutbutter Chocolate Chip Cookies
Found this amazing recipe at smittenkitchen.com/ and I knew I had to try it. I haven't had peanut butter cookies since I was a kid, and honestly I don't know what the heck I was waiting for because I have obviously been missing out. I made some minor adjustments to the recipe which I will explain further.
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened ( i didn't use a full stick of butter for this, and it didn't make a difference.)
1 cup peanut butter at room temperature (they recommended creamy, so i used 1/2 cup creamy and 1/2 cup crunchy)
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1 large egg, at room temperature
1 tablespoon milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup peanut butter chips (i used 1 full bag)
1/2 cup chocolate chips(i also used a full bag of these. it may have been overkill, i ended up with extra chips laying in the bottom of my bowl, you can probably decide for yourself how much is too much)
For sprinkling: 1 tablespoon sugar, regular or superfine
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
In a large bowl, combine the flour, the baking soda, the baking powder, and the salt. Set aside.
In a large bowl, beat the butter and the peanut butter together until fluffy. Add the sugars and beat until smooth. Add the egg and mix well. Add the milk and the vanilla extract. Add the flour mixture and beat thoroughly. Stir in the peanut butter and chocolate chips. Place sprinkling sugar — the remaining tablespoon — on a plate. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls into the sugar, then onto ungreased cookie sheets, leaving several inches between for expansion. Using a fork, lightly indent with a crisss-cross pattern (I used the back of a small offset spatula to keep it smooth on top), but do not overly flatten cookies. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes. Do not overbake. Cookies may appear to be underdone, but they are not.
Cool the cookies on the sheets for 1 minute, then remove to a rack to cool completely.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Piano keys
Chris and I have gotten into the habit of renting old seasons of House and watching them in an effort to satisfy our need for drama - or maybe that's just me.
Last night we watched an episode about an idiot savant who had a neurological problem that caused him to have extraordinary skills on the piano. I watched with fascination at first, until I couldn't bear to see his fingers cross the keys, I couldn't stand to hear the lyrical notes, I couldn't deal with the intensity of my emotions. I started wracking my brain for any possible way that I could find myself back on a piano bench, back with my fingers on the whites and blacks, back in the one place that has always brought me comfort and strength. It's been a good six months since I've had the opportunity to play, before that even longer. All together, I've been out of touch, musically, for three years, and the longer I go without it, the harder it is to sit back down and play again. The sheer disappointment that I feel when my fingers hit the keys, when the notes grace my ears, when the world around my falls away; it's enough to make me cry.
I miss the familiarity that playing the piano brings, the universal aspect of music. It gives me clarity, peace, centeredness.
In a time when I felt alone and overwhelmed by stress, the piano was there. When I needed to clear my mind, I would walk to the bench, sit down, begin playing, and it was like I had flipped a switch on my life - the room was gone, my problems were gone, the world was in order, and all that I needed to focus on was making sure that my fingers reached the notes on the page, that the music never stopped, that I was growing, stretching, building, learning, playing.
There's never been anything that brings calm to my life the way that playing did. Nothing has ever been able to replace that, nothing even comes close. When I close my eyes, I can imagine the feeling of being able to play a piece that I've worked hard on, knowing that I have learned something brand new - struggled over it, worked at it, shaped my hands around it, and conquered it. Now, when I play the piano, the satisfaction is gone. I know that I have not been able to play a new piece in over 4 years, the work I've done has been completed long ago, when I dreaded Friday afternoons, the daunting piano lesson ahead of me. I am disappointed in myself, in my receding skill, in my lazy fingers and the silent keys. I hate the sound of choppy waltzes, I hate the way I struggle over pieces that I learned when I was in middle school. I hate my fingers and my mind and my lack of talent.
I want that back, whatever it was. I want the feeling back, I want the peace back, I want the talent back. I want the naivety that came with it, the feeling that I would never be without the piano, the innocence that I had when I sat down at the keys.
Last night we watched an episode about an idiot savant who had a neurological problem that caused him to have extraordinary skills on the piano. I watched with fascination at first, until I couldn't bear to see his fingers cross the keys, I couldn't stand to hear the lyrical notes, I couldn't deal with the intensity of my emotions. I started wracking my brain for any possible way that I could find myself back on a piano bench, back with my fingers on the whites and blacks, back in the one place that has always brought me comfort and strength. It's been a good six months since I've had the opportunity to play, before that even longer. All together, I've been out of touch, musically, for three years, and the longer I go without it, the harder it is to sit back down and play again. The sheer disappointment that I feel when my fingers hit the keys, when the notes grace my ears, when the world around my falls away; it's enough to make me cry.
I miss the familiarity that playing the piano brings, the universal aspect of music. It gives me clarity, peace, centeredness.
In a time when I felt alone and overwhelmed by stress, the piano was there. When I needed to clear my mind, I would walk to the bench, sit down, begin playing, and it was like I had flipped a switch on my life - the room was gone, my problems were gone, the world was in order, and all that I needed to focus on was making sure that my fingers reached the notes on the page, that the music never stopped, that I was growing, stretching, building, learning, playing.
There's never been anything that brings calm to my life the way that playing did. Nothing has ever been able to replace that, nothing even comes close. When I close my eyes, I can imagine the feeling of being able to play a piece that I've worked hard on, knowing that I have learned something brand new - struggled over it, worked at it, shaped my hands around it, and conquered it. Now, when I play the piano, the satisfaction is gone. I know that I have not been able to play a new piece in over 4 years, the work I've done has been completed long ago, when I dreaded Friday afternoons, the daunting piano lesson ahead of me. I am disappointed in myself, in my receding skill, in my lazy fingers and the silent keys. I hate the sound of choppy waltzes, I hate the way I struggle over pieces that I learned when I was in middle school. I hate my fingers and my mind and my lack of talent.
I want that back, whatever it was. I want the feeling back, I want the peace back, I want the talent back. I want the naivety that came with it, the feeling that I would never be without the piano, the innocence that I had when I sat down at the keys.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Negative Calorie Foods
There has been some controversy as to the legitimacy of what are known as "negative calorie" foods, however I am a pretty big believer and supporter. Foods that are deemed "negative" perhaps are a little deceiving, as all food contains calories (with the exemption of fake sugar and, well, cardboard - but i guess neither of those count, right?), but the effect that eating this food has is best understood when given the title "negative". Believe it or not, there are certain foods you can eat that have the effect of not eating anything. Your body exerts effort when you chew, swallow, even digest your food, so it's not surprising that you don't retain every single stray calorie you ingest. On the contrary, your body burns off a percentage of the calories taken in at any given time, some foods requiring more effort than others. There are groups of food, primarily fruit and vegetables, that require so much effort for your body to digest, that you end up with a negative calorie effect when it boils down to pure numbers. You may have heard that chewing celery burns more calories than you gain from eating it - this is true. However, celery is not the only food that gives you this sweet grace, it's simply one of several (potentially more than twenty).
Many people have attempted to follow this list in a strict manner, cutting off all other foods in order to loose weight. This is not a smart idea, as these foods do not contain enough nutrients on their own to sustain your health for an extensive period of time. The controversy herein lies.
"Negative Calorie" Foods :
Asparagus
Beet Root
Broccoli
Cabbage
Carrot
Cauliflower
Celery
Cucumber
Garlic
Green Beans
Lettuce
Onion
Radish
Spinach
Turnip
Zuchini
Apple
Blueberry
Cantaloupe
Cranberry
Grapefruit
Honeydew
Lemon
Lime
Mango
Orange
Papaya
Peach
Pineapple
Raspberry
Strawberry
Tomato
Tangerine
Turnip
Watermellon
Sunday, April 19, 2009
On getting what you want
Sometimes I wonder if I've conditioned myself to want the things that I can't have. I don't mean a normal amount of want; I mean the intense longing that breeds infatuation. I mean wanting something so bad that your heart aches, your world falls apart, nothing is more satisfying than the pull it has. I wonder if I've become that girl. You know the one, we all know the one. Do I want what I can't have and hate what I can? Am I always going to find myself dissatisfied with the real thing? Or is it all just a mind game?
I think, sometimes, that what I've done is build a world around me, a perfect, idealized world, my own perception of reality, something that nothing can ever compare to. Do I spend my time pretending that the things I want are better than they really are? Does it affect how I view the world? My friends? The future? My faith?
Maybe the things I want aren't in the cards. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that perfect is out there; Perfect classes, Perfect motivation, Perfect photography, Perfect love, Perfect life. I idealize Perfect. How did I end up like this?
I think, sometimes, that what I've done is build a world around me, a perfect, idealized world, my own perception of reality, something that nothing can ever compare to. Do I spend my time pretending that the things I want are better than they really are? Does it affect how I view the world? My friends? The future? My faith?
Maybe the things I want aren't in the cards. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that perfect is out there; Perfect classes, Perfect motivation, Perfect photography, Perfect love, Perfect life. I idealize Perfect. How did I end up like this?
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